A very raw and authentic dive into the heart of the man I love. My husband shared this with me today, and I have a feeling it will reach hearts and places that I cannot.
I have had an interesting experience in the father department and I've written countless things on this subject just to release some emotion I've felt. I really just wanted to share my experience on this amazing day that glorifies the fathers.
When I was not even a year old my biological father would make a decision that would affect me and my mother and his mother and brother and everyone else he knew for the rest of our lives. He took his own life and took himself away from us before I ever had the chance to know him.
As you would imagine, that caused a flood of ever changing emotions through my life but I want to focus on one thing specifically: allowing myself to feel that emotion. I may be a little all over the place here but that is very much a result of the stages I've gone through to get there.
When I was almost two (or so I'm told), the man I call my dad today came into my life. He has played his fatherly role magnificently and has done more than I could ever expect from someone who didn't have to take that role. He picked up the mantle and did the best he could to raise me and I have him to attribute a lot of the reason I am the man I am. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't have my sister, 2 step brothers and half brother if it weren't for him being faithful to carry that mantle on. Happy Father's Day to him.
I also have a step father who came into my life when I was in eighth grade. That was a tough transition for me and I have yet to figure out why. All I know is he has influenced a lot of the way I see the world. He has brought a practicality to my life that I don't know I would have found otherwise. He has loved my mom and sister and I unconditionally and has been a man who will always be an intricate part of my life. Happy Father's Day to him.
I remember the day I let myself start feeling the repercussions of the loss of my father. I went to Colorado for the funeral of my grandfather, his dad. After the funeral I was wandering and accidentally stumbled upon the grave stone of my own father for the first time ever. You can imagine the chill that I felt down to my bones. It was somewhat surreal for my 18 year old self to feel. I was barely a man at that point and had simply ignored the thought of him my whole life out of nothing but bitterness. That day a friend of my mom and bio-dad gave me an envelope for my mom. He said I could see its contents when I was back with her. Again, kind of strange since I was 18 and could at least somewhat think for myself.
That was almost ten years ago now and what happened the day I opened that envelope with my mom changed my life. The envelope contained a photo of my dad holding me... The only one I had ever seen of him smiling, and it was because of me. There was a letter in the envelope too but I think it was mostly for my mom.
I lost it, Ran to my room and immediately prayed for forgiveness of my bitterness and told God that I forgave my dad. I have never felt such a weight lifted than the day I let myself feel the pain. Since that day I've gone through almost 10 years of processing and allowing it to shape me.
Megan and I's first date has also played a huge part in shaping me. That day she told me about her father who passed away from illness 3 years prior. It was an amazing moment for me - sad of course, but I could feel her pain a little. I would NEVER compare my pain and hers, they're very different. But in some very unique way I could relate and I knew she could with me as well.
Since that day I have heard stories and different perspectives from each of her sisters and her mother and aunt and cousins and it has all brought me to this conclusion: if there was one man I wanted to leave a legacy similar to, it would be Tim Fleming. I've never heard anything other than how incredible of a man of God this man was and how he never let anyone feel like less than a friend - from the people he saw at work to his own family, he was a great man. If you were to put the personalities of each of his daughters into one human, I honestly think you would get a super human named Tim Fleming. His legacy lives on. He was a great father - happy Father's Day to him.
It's because of the things I've seen and dealt with in my life that make me want more deeply than anything in me to be a great father. Not good, not mediocre, a great, great father. A father that will leave a legacy of greatness and maybe change the world in some small way. I want to raise my children to love like Yahshua did and speak blessings over every person they come in contact with.
Today I'm flying home to my wife and as tough as this road has been for me to get down, I am living a very blessed life. I have no bitterness and no malice in me. I love my dad and am beyond grateful for what he has done for me. Some day maybe I'll be able to get to a point where that's my only focus but I pray that my experience also brings life to some others struggling out there on this day. There is hope. It doesn't exist in the clouds or in some place you imagine with gold streets or pearly gates. He exists in you. He is your faithful father, no matter who you are or what youve been through. He will be there with you when you have your own moments of not only doubt, but monumental breakthrough and self discovery. His name is Yahweh God and he is the ultimate father.
Happiest of Father's Day friends.