One of my biggest issues with conflict is that there are generally two unhealthy responses that beg for my attention: to camp out or lash out. Camping out is a state where your mind and emotions are so consumed by your problem that they occupy your time and steal your attention and joy. As a woman, this is is an easy place to find myself: overthinking, overanalyzing, and remaining stuck. Lashing out is the equally destructive manifestation of pain and anger, generally directed towards the source of conflict. Instead of getting angry, I generally get hurt. I’m much better about self control (out of those two options) when it comes to biting my tongue. But unfortunately for me, the lashing out aspect is oftentimes indirect: I won't respond to the person who hurt me, but after it festers for long enough I’ll find myself snapping at my husband or losing my patience at another source. If you can’t believe I’m admitting that, believe me, I’m not proud of it. But it’s so often the truth. My marriage suffers unfair consequences when conflict is unresolved unless we pinpoint the problem, and actively seek resolution together.
For this reason, my husband proactively asked me to surrender my problems to God, to not stay stuck and let it ruin our trip (either directly or indirectly). He prayed over me, I prayed over myself, and we spoke against anything that wasn’t of God. Another real life moment: for me, surrendering a problem isn’t generally a one and done type deal-- it’s a daily decision, sometimes a moment by moment decision, and often involves prayer and correction. But I agreed to surrender anything that was weighing down my spirit, and actively refuse to camp out moving forward.
The next day was Sunday and we went with Ashley and Christa to Westide: A Jesus Church. Here’s the admittance of a deeply flawed and broken person: Prior to church, I still felt unsettled. Uncertain. Conflicted. Concerned. Yet hopeful. The worship team played, and I felt a stirring in my spirit as we sang out The Lion and The Lamb. As we declared “He’s roaring with power and fighting our battles” I felt an amazing peace and revelation sweep over me. Yes. He’s fighting my battles. And He’s also fighting the battles of the people we are in conflict with. God cares about our hearts, and the hearts of others equally. He can bring resolution to anyone willing to surrender.
And in this moment of time, where anything had the ability to feel overwhelming and scary and unknown, I felt a peace sweep over and embrace me. In a moment where I felt broken and defeated, rejected and condemned, God stepped in and said that His grace was sufficient for me. THAT’S the gospel. That’s the good news. In my moments of despair and doubt, God says to trust Him and be still because the victory was already won through what Jesus did on our behalf. We don’t have to live camped out or lashing out. We’ve already been set free.
I wrapped my arms around Delyn’s and whispered in his ear, “Do you feel that peace, too?”. He nodded. “I’m trying not to get emotional”, he admitted. He placed his arm across my shoulder and leaned his forehead to mine, as he shared with me a vision he received from the Spirit. And with my palms facing heaven, I nodded in agreement. We soaked in those next few moments of worship, pouring out praise and thanksgiving for His faithfulness and peace.
The message was perfectly purposed; it was about leaving peaceably with others in a time of division and conflict and injustice. It was so pertinent because it could be applied practically all the way from personal relationships to a community level to a national application. Based on Ephesians 2, Dominic discussed a new humanity addressed by Paul in the first century church. In a time where the people were struggling desperately with unity, it was recognized that Jesus’ sacrificial love was what had the power to overcome the world. He reminded us that “the cross is the great equalizer. The ground is level at the foot of the cross.” The cross not only reconciled us to God, but reconciled us to one another in what Paul referred to as the new humanity.
He further urged us to consider who we needed to reconcile with, and how to practically live in peace with one another. It’s so easy for us to blame others, judge them, criticize or discredit them, but we can’t do that. Because if we’re not working towards reconciliation and resolution in a self-sacrificing manner then we’re not moving towards redemption. Our gospel is one of reconciliation and hope. I want to live that way. Not just talk about it. But how?
Luckily Dominic talked about practical ways of preaching peace and promoting unity, and urged us that it is “coming alongside of someone who’s hurting, it’s listening to people you may have a difference of opinion with... and loving them, sharing hospitality, serving people who are hurting or are on the fringe”. We’re all hurting, broken, and flawed, but love can bring mending and peace.
On the plane to Portland, I read Judah Smith’s new book How’s Your Soul?. Perhaps the most highlighted chapter in my ebook was the one about love. Smith poses, “It’s easy to love those who love you... But it takes a divine love, a supernatural love to love those who do not love us back. Yet that’s the only kind of love that will change the world. And it’s the only kind of love that will bring lasting satisfaction and health to our souls” (pg. 87).
Based on 1 Cor. 13:7, he then explains how “Paul says that all the time and in every situation, love does these four things: bears, believes, hopes, and endures” (pg. 87). His explanation and application of these four things humbled me so deeply. See for yourself, but I found lots of room for growth and improvement.
1. Bear- “Paul was telling the Corinthian believers that love is a roof and cover... This doesn’t mean we ignore sin; it means we don’t use people’s faults and failures to expose or shame them. We publicly cover them and privately restore them with the goal of bringing about health in their lives” (pg. 88).
Gossip, accusations, judgment, shaming, condemnation. Jesus did not give up his life for you and me to spend our time on these things. And sometimes Christians are labelled hypocrites because of these very things. But please hear me in that it is not how the church is supposed to be. We have to be the difference makers; we have to be the peacemakers to set this right. I can certainly think of times in my life where I could have covered someone better in love, whether it be by not allowing gossip, by not accusing someone publicly, or by not embarrassing them whether directly or indirectly. Some things may be big, and some may be small... but the first step is for us to acknowledge that there are times where loving means protecting for healing to come.
2. Believe- “Love looks for the best. It doesn’t mean you don’t see the worst; it just means that even in the middle of the worst time of someone’s life, you remember the best, celebrate the best, remind that person of the best, and believe the best” (pg. 99).
I need to work on this one too. I’m so much better at believing the best about the people I am closest with than those that I am not, because I know their hearts. But this one tells us to believe the best about the hearts of everyone. This one forces us to bury our pride. And it allows us to move past camping out or lashing out so we can let go. This provides freedom for our souls.
3. Hope- “Love holds on to eventual developments. Love recognizes that where we are is not where we will always be. We are on a journey. We are works in progress. Love needs hope because we all have a long way to go” (Pg. 102?).
I think this goes hand in hand with grace. I think about the places I used to be and I’m so thankful for God’s grace and for people around me who see me as I am, and who God has called me to be. They don’t “label or limit” me based on any part of my journey.
4. Endures- To endure means “you don’t retaliate or reject...” He explains that “if we are more motivated and saturated with God’s love, there is no limit to what we can endure. There is no breaking point, because no matter what happens, God’s love is bigger” (pg. 94).
I’ve had many enduring days where I audibly admit “I just don’t know how much more I can take”. And yet, when I read this chapter, and put the crucifixion and resurrection in to the context of the most enduring application of love that exists, I remember that this is my purpose. This is why I’ve been anointed and equipped with grace-- to extend it without ceasing. Not to let my pride take over, to standup for myself, or to throw in the towel. But to endure. I’ll continue to suffer along the way, but the bigger focal point needs to be to suffer well-- to change my responses to the things that are out of my control. To surrender. Because “an effective life is first and foremost a surrendered life” (pg. 128).
Sometimes it’s hard to surrender. It takes everything we have, and it turn it allows the Spirit room to work. This trip was the best week of our whole year, because it was a week focused on true surrender, and the peace that God provided for the simple (but difficult!) faithfulness required to do so.
I wish I could adequately express the peace and favor we found in Yahweh’s faithfulness, but I can assure you that this kind of peace is available to every single reader. He reminded us in the most beautiful and redemptive ways of His love for us and His plans. As we drove to the coast early Monday morning, the most majestic rainbow you could imagine appeared above the Oregon mountains and trees. I reached behind my seat to grab my husband’s hand. A double rainbow. A physical manifestation of the spiritual promises, now and forever. Thanksgiving overflowed deep within my soul. God’s promises shined brighter than any of our problems. And in return for this, God simply wants us to live peacefully and love unceasingly-- a daily decision we are all given.