The first few days home were hard. I had no idea what I was doing, and all I could do was pull from the overload of advice and instruction I received at the hospital, from baby books, and my own research. I felt pretty ill-equipped, even though I felt a strong maternal instinct. Everything seemed like a formula, with steps that I had to follow perfectly and that alone was exhausting. It wasn’t just eat, sleep, poop but a laundry list of do’s and don’ts which varied by person. I did my best to sort through the advice, judgement, and instinct but each night Eli was wildly unconsolable and that left Delyn and I confused, frustrated, and helpless. Was this how it was supposed to be? Something didn’t seem right. Everyone said how much newborns sleep. Our baby wasn’t sleeping.
After coming off of a challenging night and about an hour of sleep I decided to set Eli in his boppy and get myself dressed and done up. I hadn’t felt pretty all week. My face and ankles seemed permanently swollen and I knew better than to expect any of my clothes to fit in a flattering way. But I asked my husband to take some photos of Eli and mommy because I felt like I deserved a sweet memory after a grueling week. So we took some photos, and then I instantly regretted all the time I spent NOT resting. I beat myself up over it, but had to suck it up and take care of a fussy baby for the remainder of the day. That evening I fell apart in the midst of sheer exhaustion and a still unconsolable baby.
I’m still not sure why Eli was so fussy the first week. Maybe it was because I hadn’t figured out his needs. Maybe it was because of misunderstanding or miscommunication on what to do. Maybe it was an overproduction issue. Or a tongue tie. Or digestive problems. I don’t 100% know just yet. But what I do know is that I was utterly overwhelmed by the information and conflicting advice I received during my hospital stay. I was overloaded with sometimes unclear instructions and questions, and I unknowingly made all of their instructions “law”.
My whole life I’ve been a rule follower. My family loves to recount the story of when little Meggie loudly announced while riding a bus in Washington D.C. that “the bus driver doesn’t have his seatbelt on!” for everyone to hear. If you tell me the rules are X, Y, and Z I feel compelled to follow them to a T. So when a dozen doctors, midwives, nurses, and even random staffers gave conflicting instructions, I did my best to apply them all. And quite frankly, that left me drained and confused. I wish I would’ve focused on learning about my baby and his individual needs, but I was hyper focused on following the rather unclear “rules” that flooded my foggy brain over a four day hospital stay.
After a week of feeling like a failure and finally consulting with family and friends, I finally realized that the rigid structure I was told to follow wasn’t working for my baby and me. Something had to change. I couldn’t run on an hour or two of sleep per day for much longer.
As I prayed through the circumstances, I felt like the Holy Spirit ministered to me on the subject of law versus grace. Please keep in mind that this was the Lord’s revelation for ME and my particular circumstances. That doesn’t mean it applies to yours. But I want to share because it's bringing freedom to me.
What Yahweh revealed was that the problem is not with rules, but when those rules become the law in your life. There has to be grace. Legalistic mindsets are not gospel mindsets. This can be applied beyond babies; I think it applies to any area that can lead to bondage in your life. When you operate out of obligation and ritual, you are not operating in freedom or grace. Living under the law extends to life beyond religion. Maybe you know someone, though, who has a list of “dos and dont’s” in the name of religion. They don’t know why they abstain or participate in X, Y, and Z. That is a form of bondage. Bondage can also come in the form of fear, depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other state that keeps you in slavery. But we do not have to live in slavery, since we were born into sonship. This is explained best in the book of Galatians: “But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir” (Galatians 44:4-7).
Instead of operating under this law and submitting to perfection/striving/fear, I chose to spend some time in worship and ask the Lord what his heart for Eli was. I wanted to receive wisdom by the Spirit, because the natural was not lining up with what I knew was true over my son. He wasn’t made to live in bondage either. “...if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law” (Galatians 5:18). After praying very specifically for wisdom regarding Eli’s needs, I began to receive advice from family that led to research on what could be causing his discomfort and frustration. Before I knew it, I found plenty of information that lined up with his symptoms and consequent temperament. Things were clicking, and I was finding that some of the information I was given wasn’t necessarily applicable to our circumstances. So we made some adjustments. The following 48 hours were nearly a 180 degree turnaround. We made changes to scheduling, feeding, what advice we received, and what was best for our baby. Using wisdom and discernment we started to shake off the chains of bondage we had been feeling and moved forward in peace and grace. Eli is doing great. He is SLEEPING! We're still working through the learning curves, as to be expected, but he is so much happier and more comfortable. And we feel such a peace about his progress. We have our two week appointment on Thursday, and our main goal right now is for him to continue gaining weight and to be healthy and whole. We’re believing that he’s right on track.
I feel confident that we are moving forward in a great direction. When I wake up early in the morning it gives me an opportunity to take in the new mercies of the day, spend some quality time with my sweet boy and soak in some snuggles, and dive into the Word to see what the Lord wants to minister to me on in this season. The best encouragement that I continue to receive is that God made ME his mommy for a purpose, knowing ahead of time exactly what he would need. I've been told that "it's okay to not be okay" at times. And we've received beautiful and encouraging messages of the prayer and intercession that is being done on his behalf. There is grace to be found. He's only ten days old. We know we'll get there. We know things will get better/easier. And each day I'm reminded of the new mercies that can help me get through the difficult times so that we can soak in the love we have for this precious boy.
Jesus said “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them” (Matthew 5:17).