We began to pray and prophesy over this area long before our move. We made declarations over the land and the people and our family. We called forth relationships and opportunities and business. We knew that there was a great deal of purpose behind the move, and that required a great deal of preparation-- we’re talking spiritual preparation to make way for the natural. When times were difficult in Arkansas we began to understand that the pressure and opposition we were facing were actually confirmation that what we were pressing TOWARD was worth the battle. For Christmas, I made Delyn a sign with our words of promise, declarations, and what we were believing for. We hung it on our wall and I read it every day. I clung to those words and the promises behind them for months.
With our last weekend in Bentonville came more unexpected disappointment. That Sunday morning I was deeply troubled in my spirit. I awoke before six o’clock and found myself overcome with emotion. An attack was coming against me, and it was the spirit of rejection and abandonment coming full force. Instead of waking up my husband (although I would normally do so) I retreated downstairs. I knew in that moment that only The Great Comforter could console me, so I laid on the couch and prayed as I wept. I knew it was an attack because I was offered thoughts and lies that caused immensely more grief. The enemy reminded me that the prior day marked the day three years ago where a family member attempted to take his own life to escape an impending federal trial. Those thoughts flooded my mind. And all I wanted to do was call my dad. After all, it was Father’s Day. My seventh Father’s Day without him. Boy, did the enemy love holding that over my head. But instead of calling for help, I just prayed for The Helper to intercede.
I made it through those hours. Peace set in. Exhaustion set in. I slept for about an hour before church. On the way, I told my husband what happened, and we prayed. We prayed and cried some more. We spoke against this spirit of rejection that seemed to be plaguing us. And when we worshipped that morning, I could actually feel the supernatural transcend my physical body. I cried out in praise to the One who had never left my side during the darkest nights. Tears poured down my face, with my eyes closed and heavenward; I didn’t care about what was going on around me. I actually didn’t even know how Delyn’s worship experience was unfolding at that time, but I knew we were both in the midst of overcoming a pretty difficult weekend. An important note that I only share because it is relevant to the story is that Delyn’s biological father took his life when Delyn was just a baby. And while it’s not my story to share, it is a huge connection we have and explains a bit as to why that day was a culmination of some really deeply rooted struggles.
After the service, we sat together along with my sister in law (Lacie) and debriefed. I’ll never forget what Delyn said that day because it resonated so deeply in my spirit that I never wanted to let it go. In addressing the feelings of disappointment, rejection, and abandonment he was no longer angry or even hurt. In fact, he boldly affirmed that he truly felt like he “was able to be with his Father on Father's Day". That wrecked me, because I wasn’t even able to verbalize those feelings, but in my spirit I sensed that same fulfillment. And I believe that was a really powerful representation of our season, because we learned through this difficult season who we could run to. I’m telling you, not for pity or selfishness, that there were times this season caused us to feel SO alone. But we clung to each other, and we clung to God’s promises for us. And some days that was quite literally all I had to get me through that day. And I stand to say that Yahweh is Jehovah Jireh, and that will always be enough.
When I look back on that season I can see the mercies during that time that I didn’t always pick up on in when things felt hard, but that certainly helped me through. Sometimes it was through doors closing, sometimes through a person or a word, and sometimes just through the painful quiet was I able to fully hear God and obey Him. But one thing I know, He never left my side and never will.
Only weeks after settling in North Carolina we attended a Young Adults night at The Refuge, a church we felt particularly drawn to. I’ll side note here to say that this wasn’t happenstance-- we were purposed to find it. It is a beautiful combination of Delyn and my needs and wants, it is challenging, it is inviting, and when I tell you that I’ve never experienced a more tangible presence of the Holy Spirit within a church body I am not just saying that. I mean it. After attending that first Sunday, we were introduced to the Young Adults Pastor, Skyler, who invited us back the next week for an event.
The message that Pastor Skyler delivered was about a season of rejection that he had endured. He went a step further to say that he believed that season was actually ordained by God. I don’t think I’ve connected that deeply to a message in a while, but it really resonated in my spirit. You see, I’ve been through hard times before. I’ve experienced loss and suffering, moves and broken relationships, feelings of abandonment and desperation, disappointments and unmet expectations, but never this feeling of constant and overwhelming rejection. I’d never had trouble making friends, keeping jobs, or finding peace in circumstances like this. Day after day, month after month I grew weary. I withdrew. I leaned on my husband, and we clung to those promises we wrote down. I had trouble expressing my experiences to anyone until I heard the message at The Refuge that night, because it was such a confirming and relevant issue to me. You see, when that season was tough I didn’t doubt God’s love for me, or His provision. I didn’t consider myself “rejected” or “unworthy” because I knew His truth. But looking back, it makes more sense. I didn’t have to be accepted or understood, valued or praised, popular or needed. Because if everyone around us gave us every confirmation we needed about our plans, would we really think we NEEDED confirmation from the One who ordained it and called it into action? Honestly, I’m not sure if I would have. At least not on my most honest and humble heart level of transparency. And one thing I can tell you about my spiritual life in this past year is that it’s been anything but stagnant or complacent.
Upon arriving here, we witnessed one confirmation after another that THIS is where we are supposed to be. I received a very specific word the week we arrived: Revival. I've mentioned to people that this isn't a "religious" word I tend to throw around. Oftentimes I'll speak of how God has redeemed and restored things in my life, but I don't generally use the term revival, so I knew it was given to me in the spirit. And we're seeing a revival in so many ways-- life being breathed back into places and relationships and circumstances that desperately needed it. This isn’t a “Let me prove how happy we are” kind of post. This is a real life, authentic, from the bottom of my heart: “life can be so hard, but I promise you there is hope at the end of these struggles” type post. We have difficult days. But the goodness and the favor we’ve experienced have outshined the tough days many times over. We are believing for amazing things in this time of revival!
With our last weekend in Bentonville came more unexpected disappointment. That Sunday morning I was deeply troubled in my spirit. I awoke before six o’clock and found myself overcome with emotion. An attack was coming against me, and it was the spirit of rejection and abandonment coming full force. Instead of waking up my husband (although I would normally do so) I retreated downstairs. I knew in that moment that only The Great Comforter could console me, so I laid on the couch and prayed as I wept. I knew it was an attack because I was offered thoughts and lies that caused immensely more grief. The enemy reminded me that the prior day marked the day three years ago where a family member attempted to take his own life to escape an impending federal trial. Those thoughts flooded my mind. And all I wanted to do was call my dad. After all, it was Father’s Day. My seventh Father’s Day without him. Boy, did the enemy love holding that over my head. But instead of calling for help, I just prayed for The Helper to intercede.
I made it through those hours. Peace set in. Exhaustion set in. I slept for about an hour before church. On the way, I told my husband what happened, and we prayed. We prayed and cried some more. We spoke against this spirit of rejection that seemed to be plaguing us. And when we worshipped that morning, I could actually feel the supernatural transcend my physical body. I cried out in praise to the One who had never left my side during the darkest nights. Tears poured down my face, with my eyes closed and heavenward; I didn’t care about what was going on around me. I actually didn’t even know how Delyn’s worship experience was unfolding at that time, but I knew we were both in the midst of overcoming a pretty difficult weekend. An important note that I only share because it is relevant to the story is that Delyn’s biological father took his life when Delyn was just a baby. And while it’s not my story to share, it is a huge connection we have and explains a bit as to why that day was a culmination of some really deeply rooted struggles.
After the service, we sat together along with my sister in law (Lacie) and debriefed. I’ll never forget what Delyn said that day because it resonated so deeply in my spirit that I never wanted to let it go. In addressing the feelings of disappointment, rejection, and abandonment he was no longer angry or even hurt. In fact, he boldly affirmed that he truly felt like he “was able to be with his Father on Father's Day". That wrecked me, because I wasn’t even able to verbalize those feelings, but in my spirit I sensed that same fulfillment. And I believe that was a really powerful representation of our season, because we learned through this difficult season who we could run to. I’m telling you, not for pity or selfishness, that there were times this season caused us to feel SO alone. But we clung to each other, and we clung to God’s promises for us. And some days that was quite literally all I had to get me through that day. And I stand to say that Yahweh is Jehovah Jireh, and that will always be enough.
When I look back on that season I can see the mercies during that time that I didn’t always pick up on in when things felt hard, but that certainly helped me through. Sometimes it was through doors closing, sometimes through a person or a word, and sometimes just through the painful quiet was I able to fully hear God and obey Him. But one thing I know, He never left my side and never will.
Only weeks after settling in North Carolina we attended a Young Adults night at The Refuge, a church we felt particularly drawn to. I’ll side note here to say that this wasn’t happenstance-- we were purposed to find it. It is a beautiful combination of Delyn and my needs and wants, it is challenging, it is inviting, and when I tell you that I’ve never experienced a more tangible presence of the Holy Spirit within a church body I am not just saying that. I mean it. After attending that first Sunday, we were introduced to the Young Adults Pastor, Skyler, who invited us back the next week for an event.
The message that Pastor Skyler delivered was about a season of rejection that he had endured. He went a step further to say that he believed that season was actually ordained by God. I don’t think I’ve connected that deeply to a message in a while, but it really resonated in my spirit. You see, I’ve been through hard times before. I’ve experienced loss and suffering, moves and broken relationships, feelings of abandonment and desperation, disappointments and unmet expectations, but never this feeling of constant and overwhelming rejection. I’d never had trouble making friends, keeping jobs, or finding peace in circumstances like this. Day after day, month after month I grew weary. I withdrew. I leaned on my husband, and we clung to those promises we wrote down. I had trouble expressing my experiences to anyone until I heard the message at The Refuge that night, because it was such a confirming and relevant issue to me. You see, when that season was tough I didn’t doubt God’s love for me, or His provision. I didn’t consider myself “rejected” or “unworthy” because I knew His truth. But looking back, it makes more sense. I didn’t have to be accepted or understood, valued or praised, popular or needed. Because if everyone around us gave us every confirmation we needed about our plans, would we really think we NEEDED confirmation from the One who ordained it and called it into action? Honestly, I’m not sure if I would have. At least not on my most honest and humble heart level of transparency. And one thing I can tell you about my spiritual life in this past year is that it’s been anything but stagnant or complacent.
Upon arriving here, we witnessed one confirmation after another that THIS is where we are supposed to be. I received a very specific word the week we arrived: Revival. I've mentioned to people that this isn't a "religious" word I tend to throw around. Oftentimes I'll speak of how God has redeemed and restored things in my life, but I don't generally use the term revival, so I knew it was given to me in the spirit. And we're seeing a revival in so many ways-- life being breathed back into places and relationships and circumstances that desperately needed it. This isn’t a “Let me prove how happy we are” kind of post. This is a real life, authentic, from the bottom of my heart: “life can be so hard, but I promise you there is hope at the end of these struggles” type post. We have difficult days. But the goodness and the favor we’ve experienced have outshined the tough days many times over. We are believing for amazing things in this time of revival!
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